Homework blues

January 30, 2012 3 Comments

So the other night, it’s late and buddy-child is typing up assignment # 2 of 3 assignments due the next day.  These are assignments for one class that she had fallen behind in and wasn’t doing too well with (hard to imagine how those two things could go hand in hand).  Consequences for skipping combined with homework supervision and emailing with the teacher still weren’t enough to get this young person to get on it and get these things done.  Some serious school intervention (thank you school people) was needed to start to get things back on track.  At this rate, it’s expected that she will finish all 3 assignments and yes, she may be up half the night doing it.  Sucks but that was her choice at this point.

There are times when I wonder if I’m doing the right thing by letting the kids get into messes like this but really, if they don’t ever make mistakes, how will they ever learn?  I started warning her last week but you know how it is when you have all these social plans and people to see and things to do!  She was left to figure out how to manage her time in such a way that would allow her to get this done.  The only thing I did was make sure to limit how much time I was willing to drive  her around to see friends and such.  Good thing really because I can’t imagine how far behind things would be right now if I hadn’t.

It’s important to point out that this won’t work unless I’m following up with the school and confirming that she actually finished the assignments.  If I don’t, what motivation does she have to finish?  Why should she care if no one else is going to?  And if she doesn’t finish, I need to be prepared to look at what consequences are appropriate for that.  Although in this case, a really nice prom dress and graduating with your friends is a pretty good motivator and pretty stiff consequence all rolled into one.

So the late night and the feeling like crying because you wish it was done and the potential to do a crappy job just to finish is all the result of buddy’s choices and lack of time management.  Yes I know the frontal lobe is still something that is in development but how is it going to develop if you don’t start learning.

Does that mean buddy-child will magically not wait until the last minute to get her next assignment done?  Probably not.  She is, after all, still a teenager and let’s face it, planning is not the strong point of anyone under the age of 20. But, it will help in the long run. I think.

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Dirty little secret

January 26, 2012 2 Comments

A while ago I went on a conference about trauma and all things related (neurobiology and trauma actually – and yes, I am a geek).  There were times when it was interesting and I learned some great things and there were times when I felt like stabbing a fork in my eye.  (really chemist turned psychiatrist guy??  Do you think anyone other than other chemists turned psychiatrists can understand you right now?)  One of the things rolling around in my brain since I returned is the bits about trauma and PTSD related symptoms and domestic violence.  This was not new information for me but it did help put a few pieces together. 

I work a lot with domestic violence and recognize just how hard it is to get out.  I know of case after case where people have had to plan and struggle for a year before it was safe enough to leave.  Leaving is dangerous and people often believe that it is safer, especially for the kids, if they stay.  That way they can control the amount of contact between the abusive person and the children and try to minimize the damage.  Let’s face it, our courts and in some cases our child protection agencies, do a crappy job of protecting our kids when abusive parents use them as pawns to get back at their former partners.

That being said, the reality is that the most traumatized kids (this is a generalization but there are significant stats to support this) are the ones that come from domestic violent homes.  These kids are not necessarily hit.  In fact, being hit is not a prerequisite for being traumatized.  It’s living in that home environment – the stress, the uncertainty, the lack of safety, the fear, the anxiety, the constant need to be ‘on-guard’ and walking on eggshells, the need to be hyper-vigilant in order to protect yourself or other family members, the guilt that it’s your fault, the fact that you never know when it’s coming, the helplessness when your mom or dad is being hurt on some level – all of it.  It can cause damage that in some cases, is very difficult to undo.  Research has shown time and time again that living in this environment can actually alter a child’s brain development as compared to a child that has grown up in a safe and stable environment.  This is significant on many levels by the way but I’m not going to go into further detail right now.

The pieces that fell into place for me?  Step-daughter is struggling quite a bit.  After she moved back home, her mom pulled her out of school simply because she was already struggling and knew she wasn’t going to graduate and mom didn’t want to deal with those wonderful automated voice messages that I mentioned in another post everyday(run away!  pretend!  avoid!).  I’ve known for awhile now that mom’s partner is abusive, I just don’t know how much or on what level.  He’s prone to angry outbursts, and there have been times that step-daughter has run to my house to escape his wrath.  There were times when the clinicians were describing patients and they could have been describing step-daughter.  I have never doubted that a good chunk of her issues stem from her home environment but to hear it spelled out like that was eye opening.  Yet, no one ever talks about it.  We all just pretend that it’s okay when it’s not.  It’s like the family’s dirty little secret.  As a step-parent, I’m completely powerless to do anything other than keep talking to step-daughter about it.  Hopefully it will magically help someday.

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Versatile Bloggers

January 23, 2012 2 Comments

I’m not sure how to incorporate this into a blog about teenagers and raising teenagers so I guess it might just end up being a very brief interlude so to speak.

I was very nicely identified / nominated – I don’t know what it’s called - for the Versatile Blogger Award.  It sounds like you basically list 15 blogs you have recently discovered and enjoy, tell a little bit about yourself (7 things) and that’s essentially it.  I think you’re supposed to link back to the blogs or tell the people you’ve nominated but that’s where I might get a little big lost on it.  I’ve seen a few different posts of these around and the rules are a little different depending on which site you read them on.

So I thought I would ask my kids to see what are the 7 things I should post about myself.  What an interesting question to pose to your children.  It’s funny to see how similar and different their responses and what qualities they identified as being admirable or important.  I would highly recommend it. 

So based on my various children’s responses, here is my list.

1. I sing, play guitar and used to be the singer in a rock and roll band.  No seriously, I was.  Health issues prevent me from doing that anymore but hey, such is life.  I’m probably getting a little old to be out until 4 in the morning playing gigs anyways!

2. I still love rock music, listen to it everyday (not all that old classic stuff either, lots of current things) and while I love to sing it, I prefer to play classical on my guitar. 

3. I went on a 6 day kayaking expedition trip on the Pacific Ocean.  I kayaked with a group of strangers and we camped every night on a different island while we worked our way back to the mainland of British Columbia.  It was very cool and I saw (up close and personal) seals (so cute!!), whales, eagles, star fish the size of my head and all kinds of various wild life.

4.  I have two very large dogs that are the equivalent of pinky and the brain in real life form.  One is highly intelligent and probably understands English but just hasn’t bothered to tell me and doesn’t see himself as inferior to humans in any way.  You have to earn his respect.  The other is as dumb as a stump.  Took 6 months to train him to sit.  He will love you unconditionally though no matter what.

5. I have an art brain (as does most of my siblings, my extended family and my own children).  I used to draw but now spend a lot more time with photography and love all things art related. 

6. I still have my own pair of tap shoes.  I’ve taken most forms of dance at one point or another and my absolute favourite dance class, hands down was belly-dancing.  A lot more fun than I thought it would be.

7. If you asked my kids to describe me, they would say I was laid back, observant, like to help others and that they are still a little itty bit scared of me and you know, I’m okay with that.

Blogs that I would nominate -

1. http://www.wantadumpsterbaby.com .  Just like the link says, the title of the blog is “I want a dumpster baby”.  I’m particularly fond of the article about Fear.  You really should read it if you want an inside look into the head space of some of the kids I’ve worked with (and raised) over the years.  Excellent job on that post.

2. http://textisles.com/ .  This site is title needled and the author does a great job of posting about knitting, photography, and life after having had a major stroke.  She obviously handles her life with much grace and class.

3. http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/ .  This author has some pretty stuff she covers.  My favourite is the cartoon titled ‘dog’ that is on the right hand side of your screen when you scroll down a bit.  You really should read it if you’ve have a dog or have ever had a dog.  It’s pretty funny. 

4. http://glassoffancy.com/  The author does a lovely job covering book reviews, posts on fashion and lately a wonderful section on finances.  Good job!

5. http://www.chookooloonks.com/ .  This is a lawyer turned photographer / professional blogger.  She covers some very interesting things.  Very “feel good” type of site.

6. http://www.nytimes.com/packages/html/nyregion/1-in-8-million/index.html  This isn’t a blog but I love this site.  It’s a multitude of little stories about everyday people.  So awesome!

7. http://mimismartypants.com/ .  Funny lady. 

8. http://thebloggess.com/ .  This lady is definitely not safe for work.  Remember the kid I described as ‘bat-shit crazy’?  Yeah, she could have written half of these posts.  Funny but not the same thought process as the norm.

9. http://www.thechloeconspiracy.com/ .  If you’re into fashion, you’ll love this one.  Pretty interesting lady as well.

10. http://our-story-begins.com/2012/01/23/hidden-memories/  This is the fellow that listed my blog as one you should check out.  He’s doing an excellent job under the circumstances and there are a couple of you that I know will love this blog.

11. http://allrainydaysarentgray.wordpress.com/  .  It’s the art-brain thing I was talking about earlier, what can I say.  Love some of the stuff she finds!

12. http://jerry-mahoney.com/ .  This site is titled ‘where to gaybies come from?’.  Funny stuff and reminds me of my life with my kids when they were younger.

13. http://photosatthespeedoflife.wordpress.com/  .  I once tried a photography competition where we had to go for a walk and take one new photo a week.  I love stuff like that. 

14. http://lesleycarter.wordpress.com/author/lesleycarter/  A lady after my own heart, what can I say?

15. http://www.playingforchange.com/  Again, not a blog but you’ve got to check this out.  In particular, I love their version of Gimme Shelter and Stand By Me.  Seriously, you have to watch those two.

enjoy!

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