Come to my window

September 27, 2012 2 Comments

I had a nephew living with me for a while quite a few years back.  He was struggling, his family was struggling and nothing seemed to work for him.  He had been a challenge since the day he was born.  He was highly intelligent (almost too much so) and his parents were ill-equipped to deal with his behaviour.  His parents are well off and high up in the social circle of things so having a child with “issues” was not exactly okay.  He went from one doctor to the next trying to find a diagnosis to explain his behaviour.  The parents used to book their vacations around when I was able to come and stay with the kids because they couldn’t find someone who could handle him.

I remember one of the first times I stayed with the kids for a week; I came down and they were quite young.  None of them understood the whole “rules” idea of making sure to tell a parent where you are or what your plans were or where you were going.  That really threw them when I insisted they do that.  What was even more shocking for them was the fact that I would give them a time-out for their misbehaviour.  This particular nephew was a challenging boy but the thing with kids is that you have to be able to out-last them sometimes.  The whole notion of a time-out was very new to them and I had to literally stand beside the “time-out chair” the first few times and keep plopping his little bottom back on the chair and resetting the time until he did his time out.

The rest of the week was a breeze after that first 24 hours.

Once this challenging boy hit adolescence, life was very much out of control.  Issues at home, issues at school, self-medication in the form of drugs and alcohol.  There were some definite mental health issues that were emerging but there were also some big family issues as well that everyone was trying to pretend and avoid.  This young man was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, OCD (which he definitely had) Tourettes and bi-polar disorder.  He had facial tics that he couldn’t control.

Things came to a head and his parents asked if I would take him for a month.  I said sure, he could come stay but he would have to spend some time volunteering and maybe working part-time and that it wouldn’t be just a holiday.  I figured if things were really that bad, he could probably use the break.

We put together a plan that allowed him to visit his parents on the weekends and spend some time doing stuff during the day (volunteering at the animal therapy farm, working with a personal trainer to start to get into exercise).  He had refused his medications at this point.

He was fine.  He definitely had attention issues and I needed to be on him because he was used to pushing until he got his way but for the most part, he was pretty fine.  He wasn’t on his meds at all and there were some things he should probably be on meds for but for the most part, the focus was to help him learn to cope.

I found out after the fact that his parents were sending him to my place as a punishment for being bad.  Can you imagine.  Go live in the country with your poor cousin where you don’t have all the privileges of the extremely rich and see how bad you’ve got it…

They asked me to keep him and were willing to pay me a large lump sum of money to do just that.

I said no.

The reason I said no?  Because he didn’t want to stay with me forever.  He wanted to be with his family.  Also, by keeping him here with me, they could forever hold onto the fact that he was just a “bad” kid and avoid all the emotional abuse that was going on in the home.  Kids are kind of like barometers to what is going on in the family sometimes.  The more distressed their behaviour, the more likely the entire family unit is a mess – and it’s not necessarily because of the kid. The kids become the focus and are seen as the problem but most of the time, they’re simply reacting to their environment.

This guy did go off the rails for a while and ended up in rehab.  He is functional now but definitely has some problems he still needs to sort through.  Him and his mom are pretty good with each other and that’s at least a start.

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Best day ever

September 24, 2012

There is a fairly big water park within easy driving distance from here and every summer now, I grab a handful of teenagers and go for the day.  It’s literally one of my favourite days of the summer holiday time.  I absolutely love water parks and have no problem spending the entire day there.  So worth every penny.

This year I brought buddy child and three of her friends.  One friend that came along, this was her first time going.  She’s the cutest little thing and was so excited to go.  She has a bit of a rough home environment – mom’s new boyfriend doesn’t like her and dad’s new wife doesn’t like her.  Mom lives way out in the country and doesn’t drive so she has spent most of her summer at her moms literally doing nothing.  Without a car she can’t get a job, go see friends unless they live in walking distance, that type of thing.  You can imagine what a treat this was for her.

The day was mostly a ton of fun.  The kids ran off and did their thing and I lazed around and did my thing and at the end of the day we reconnected before heading home.  That’s when the girls fill me in on one incident earlier in the day.

Buddy-child and two of her friends are in line for a ride that this particular girl didn’t want to go on.  She was just hanging around in a designated waiting area for her friends to go on the ride and come back down.  While she’s waiting, a man (adult) bumps into her.  She turns around and he looks at her and says “why don’t you watch your fat ass” and then stomps off.

Friend was too shocked to say anything.  She stood there and waited for him to leave and then burst into tears.

Who says that????

You see, friend is a little overweight and as most teenage girls, very self-conscious about it.  It took a lot of nerve for her to come to a water park where the only thing you wear is a bathing suit for the entire day.  She normally avoids things like water parks because of her issues with her body.  She had managed to overcome that for the day and was truly enjoying herself until this rude and obnoxious man ruined it all in 20 seconds flat.

He’s lucky I wasn’t there.

We talked about her body image issues on the way home.  The fact that her parents’ partners don’t like her just add to her sense of not being likeable on any level.  Everything is hard for kids who don’t feel like they fit in anywhere and most teenagers feel like that on a good day – give them some real solid reasons and it can be devastating.  This girl is 17 and has already been in an abusive relationship.  Nothing like a stranger to make her feel totally unworthy – and for what?  Because he thought she was in the way?  (again, lucky I wasn’t there)

Even with all this, this cute little girl says to me as we are starting the drive home?  “thanks for the best day ever”.

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The makings of a great leader

September 20, 2012 4 Comments

Oh, the joys of being an older teenager.  Buddy-child rode to school on the school bus last Friday and this year, the middle school (7 and 8 grades) are on the bus with them.  She said it wasn’t bad when she got on but then all these little kids got on the bus and they sat at the BACK of the bus!  Don’t they know that they’re the youngest and they’re supposed to sit in the front and the big kids get the back seats???

It gets better.  Two grade 7 boys sit right by her and they’re chatting.  According to buddy-child, they look like they’re 5 years old.  The one turns to the other boy and says “I think I’m going to grow a beard”.  Buddy nearly fell off her seat.  He’s got at least another 30 years before he’ll be old enough to actually grow hair.

One kid turns to the other, “so, what are you going to do at recess”.

That one almost did her in.

Apparently, they don’t know how to walk down the hall properly either.  They walk in the MIDDLE instead of on the right – like a roadway.

At one point I mentioned how odd it was that the grade 9 kids were so much smaller and way more immature than when she was in grade 9…  She’s adamant that they are.

For all the frustration over all these “little kids”, buddy did a really great thing with them the other day.  They had their Frosh Thursday and it was a day of games and fun challenges.  She’s taken on a mentoring job and was a leader for a group of grade 9 kids.  She shared that role with another fellow in her grade.

All was well until they got to the second last challenge.  There was a big tub / pool type of structure and in it were marbles.  Also in it was a bunch of rotten fruit and vegetables mixed up with dog food and other smelly things.  You got points based on how many marbles you managed to get out of the tub.  No one wanted to go in.  Finally, one little teeny tiny grade 9 girl volunteers to “take one for the team” and says she will do it.  Buddy, being the group leader feels like she can’t let this girl do it by herself so the two of them go into the tub holding hands.  I think buddy had about three showers that night trying to get rid of the smell.  You know what though, that was one of her finest moments.  She stepped up to the plate and took on the role of a true leader and didn’t let her ‘kid’ do something alone or something she wasn’t prepared to do with her.

I was really quite proud of her.

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