I’m leaving, on a jet plane …

Don’t know when I’ll be back again… Actually, I’ll be back the first week of February. I’m officially away on vacation for the next week so this will be my last post until Feb 4th’ish. I’m off on a kayaking expedition trip (I love them so bad) in warm sunny waters on a ocean far away and I won’t have any internet access (or shower access or electricity access) while I’m gone.

Buddy-child has a friend that she has been buddies with for many years.  This friend has struggled sometimes with feeling accepted.  She’s very large in stature, a little overweight, not necessarily overly popular (she’s quite nice but a little socially awkward) and she has had some family struggles of her own.  She has a step-dad that she fights with quite a bit and he has been abusive to various family members in the past.  This is the buddy whose step-dad has extreme consequences with no real clear connection between the consequence and the infraction or when you get the privilege back (like a cell phone taken away for weeks at a time with no direction on how to earn it back).  When that happens, consequences are punitive and lose all meaning (other than don’t get caught next time).  Also when that happens, kids learn that control and punishment dictate how people treat each other and lose the ability to make judgments and make decisions for themselves, especially where other people are involved.

This friend has her first boyfriend and it’s not good.  Buddy-child is sooo unhappy.  The new boyfriend treats this girl badly.  He’s manipulative and untrustworthy and seems to play a lot of games.  He’ll pretend not to know this girl in front of his friends and then text her how much he loves her when no one is around.  They’ve dated for a month and he’s already been caught trying to smooze it up with a new girl via some electronic messaging system.  Buddy’s friend is putting up with it.  She wants to have a boyfriend and she wants to be in love / have someone love her.  Unfortunately, she is prepared to sacrifice her sense of self in the hopes of getting that.  Sometimes the little tidbits of affection and attention seem worth the crap and anguish and tears to get it.

Buddy-child is beside herself.  She’s trying hard to be supportive but now that she is past these type of “bad” relationships, she is frustrated and feeling powerless to help her friend.  Friend was faced with her new boyfriend’s attempts to fool around and decided to hear him out (essentially giving him the chance to convince her it’s not like it seems so that she can justify not breaking up with him).

This girl has had a lifetime of watching bad relationships in her family and watching males treat females badly on some level.  This isn’t the only reason why she is staying in this relationship, but it’s helping keep her there.  Telling her she doesn’t have to put up with it means nothing when she has been conditioned for years to put up with it in one way or another.

Buddy’s friend’s mom says she’s staying for the kids but she doesn’t want her kids to do what she has done.

You know, if you don’t want your kids to repeat your mistakes, them stop making them yourself.