Mama’s always right

March 25, 2013

One day last week or the week prior buddy-child didn’t get up for school.  At first I thought I just missed her leaving (easy to happen around here) and didn’t think much of it.  I came home from work during the middle of the day which is something I almost never do and buddy surprised me when she came out of the bathroom (she had been having a long, leisurely bubble bath).

I couldn’t sleep last night she tells me.

In fact, apparently she fell asleep, woke up again by midnight’ish and then didn’t fall asleep until around 5 am.  The alarm goes off at 6 am for a bus pickup around 7 am.  I guess when the alarm went off, she just couldn’t do it and stayed in bed.

Buddy used to have sleeping problems when she moved in.  In fact, she’s had sleep issues most of her life.  She has had a lot of stuff to deal with and sometimes sleep issues go hand in hand with past experiences of abuse and ongoing or chronic stress but it’s been a while since she’s had to deal with that.  Still, every once in a while, she has a night where she doesn’t sleep and really struggles the next day but because of her history, I’ve never really paid too much attention to it.

This time I was thinking back over all the nights she couldn’t sleep and it dawned on me that there was a pattern to this not sleeping thing that we had both missed.

Every night when buddy spends literally the entire day in her room, she doesn’t sleep that night.

Most teenagers spend inordinate amounts of time in their bedrooms but for buddy, it’s out of control.  I have to routinely push her to not hide in her room all the time but once in a while, she will literally spend the entire day there.

But now I have proof that it’s not just me assuming this is not good for her!!  It’s messing up her sleep cycles.

So now, no more spending the entire day in her bedroom.  She has to get out and hang out in the rest of the house (preferably where there is a window and she can pretend to be in the sunshine) and actually *do* something.

I vaguely remember my mom saying something like this to me when I was a kid in my bedroom reading book after book after book…

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Fries on the side

March 21, 2013

Buddy-child was leaving for school this morning wearing a pair of hot pink leggings and little black ankle boots.  I’m normally not one to even notice a teenager’s odd clothing but boy, this was something else.  I asked her if she had a picture of herself wearing those pants and she said yes.  I told her good because when she looks back at the picture when she’s older, she’s going to be horrified that she wore them out in public and wonder how on earth I could even let her walk out the front door.

She laughed.

She doesn’t realize just how horrified she’s going to be when she sees herself twenty years from now!

Buddy has done remarkably well since moving in.  She’s definitely turned her life around and is well on her way to having whatever life she wants.  I’ve not made it easy but she’s done everything I’ve made her do (well, gave her hard choices but still) and she’s followed through with everything except for one little thing.

She still hasn’t bothered to find a job.

She was cut off from social assistance this month because money that was invested from when she worked in her younger years came due and found it’s way into her bank account.  The girl now has zero income.  That is a bit of a problem when you’re supporting yourself.

She has enough to live on for the next few months while she gets ready for school because I won’t actually charge her rent between now and then or anything like that but it will be tight.

So starting yesterday, I began the push (otherwise known as appropriate levels of threatening) in order for her to get off her butt and go find work.

I get that she didn’t have the head space before to work.  That was absolutely a necessary thing for her not to work while she went to therapy and worked on academic and drug – alcohol issues but those days are long past.  Now she’s not working because she doesn’t want to work at a crappy job that she doesn’t like.  (and that’s why you’re going to university darlin’).

So, I may or may not have threatened her ability to see her boyfriend (seeing as I’m their only transportation because he doesn’t have his licence yet either).

Coincidentally, she spent last night scouring the different job banks and tomorrow her and her friend are on their way to the Employment and Education Centre.  Wish them luck because they’re going to need it!

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March is for milestones

March 18, 2013

March is the month of birthdays around here.  Well, two important birthdays.  Buddy-child and step-daughter both turned 19 a couple of weeks ago.  Their birthdays are 5 days apart.  It’s a big occasion in most of this country to turn 19 because that means you can drink legally and there’s usually some kind of celebration or another.

Buddy-child’s boyfriend took her out for a big fancy dinner where she had her first (legal) cocktail.  She has no idea what she had other than it was pink.  They came back here for cake where she blew out candles and opened presents.  Overall I think it was a nice birthday.  It’s probably not ever the same when you’re not with your ‘family’ but I guess we’re as much family as she’s ever had or likely to ever to get so that’s probably better than sitting somewhere by yourself.

Step-daughter had lots of plans that involved partying and drinking in bars.  Her mom and one of her mom’s friends took her out to one of the local bars for a night of celebration.  I know a lot of parents do that but there’s something weird about that when the relationship doesn’t have proper boundaries to start with.  It just seems wrong somehow.

The more time that passes, the farther apart these two girls lives become.

Buddy got her third university acceptance (go buddy!) and this is to the school she really, really wants to go to.  She’s excited and nervous and is ready to give her acceptance.  I told her to sit on it for a week just to get past the scared “what do I do” feeling before committing herself.  Her mind’s made up though.  Everything she does right now gets her one step closer to her goals.

Step-daughter is still not working and she’s not looking for work much either.  She’s committed to a life of drugs and drinking and not trying anymore.  She knows she needs medication to help her at this point because her anxiety and fears and OCD is completely out of control but she can’t quite bring herself to go to make an appointment and go to the doctors.  For a while she was on the fence and wanting a different life but now she’s turned away from it.  It kind of breaks my heart most days.  Everything she does keeps her from reaching her goals.

I wish I could make step-daughter come back and stay with me and somehow remove her bio-family from her life – just for a short while until she could get better but I know it will never happen.  Sometimes being a parent kind of sucks.

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The things I learned in school

March 14, 2013

Throughout the past year and a bit, our agency has “stepped outside of the box” and offered our programs in a local high school.  We had been trying to get in the door at the high school for two years prior but most schools lack the space to give us an office (even though we are essentially ‘working for them’ to some extent while we’re there – for free).  On the surface, this looks like it is completely outside of our mandate and it is something that we dreamed up ourselves in order to address some gaps in service and meet some needs that weren’t being met.  We now have office space in three of the larger high schools (in different towns) and one alternative school.

This week I’ve started the process of putting together the statistics so that I can start begging for money to keep the program going and let me tell you, those are scary, scary statistics.  The amount of kids we’ve seen in the first 5 months would make you want to cry (for the size of the towns we’re working in) – and we’re just getting started.  I can’t even imagine what it’s going to be like when everyone knows about us and what we’re doing there.

1. Of all the kids that we have seen or are working with, every single one of them except for one has been or is the victim of sexual abuse or assault, dating violence or something domestic violence related.

2. The vast majority of kids have been bullied and harassed, many for their sexual orientation and / or as a result of a former unhealthy or negative dating relationship.

3. Almost none of the kids have received counseling or assistance for what they have experienced or gone through, largely due to the fact that in order to provide help to a child, you need parental support, consent and involvement and if parents don’t want other people knowing what is going on with the kids or in the home, they might not participate fully unless it’s to prove that their child is the problem.  Combine that with the need to get to the appointment when you’re a kid and that means that many, many children don’t get the help they need or want because their parents won’t follow through.  Child therapy and treatment facilities these days insist on parental involvement and if they don’t get that, the case get closed.

4. A surprising number of the kids we are seeing have parents with mental health disorders that are not receiving treatment (refuse) and / or are not compliant with their treatment plans therefore creating an unstable and potentially unsafe home  environment.

5. Every single one of them lacks connections to family, friends and community – especially community.  The same issues around parents not following through with child counseling applies.  Kids can’t connect with their communities if they don’t have a parent that’s willing to drive them, encourage them, make sure they have what they need, help them keep appointments and so on.

It’s amazing the difference we’ve seen in some of the kids in such a short span of time.  Don’t ever underestimate your role in a teenager’s life and the impact you can have.  These kids kind of come in and out as they see fit and as long as we’re there to support them when they need us (and not necessarily fix it for them) and keep trying to get them connected to their community the transformation is pretty astounding.  Negative and defeated attitudes are switched to kids who are positive and see some hope for their future.  Now that’s obviously not going to fix every problem that comes up, step-daughter is a prime example.  Even with unconditional support she still is an addict but for many kids, it can make the world of difference.

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It’s the small things sometimes

March 11, 2013

I’m one of those regular gym goer types of people.  I strive to get there about 5 times a week and some weeks I’m much more successful than others.  For the most part, I’m pretty committed and have been going to the gym for oh, over 25 years now in one form or another.  What I do there has obviously evolved over the years but that’s 25+ years of yoga, gymnastics plus weight lifting and a wee little bit of running as the mainstays of what I spend my time doing.  The gym I go to right now is a large and very public gym.  All kinds of people ranging from small kids to seniors in all shapes and sizes go.  I’m probably closer to a Zena Warrior princess type of size and shape and I’m probably a little bit intimidating to some when I’m hanging upside down in some bizarre yoga pose that appears to defy the laws of gravity.

Since there is no dedicated yoga space in this gym, the area where I go and hang upside down is a very public area.  It’s what the gym calls their “studio” which is essentially a room that seems to be missing most of it’s walls.  There is one wall of mirrors and a laminate type of floor and that’s it.  This room is right in the middle of a running track, in full view of the spin (cycle) room and surrounded by various cardio machines.  It is the one and only place in the entire gym (2 floors!!) where a person can exercise on a mat on the floor and do whatever types of exercises they want.

It can get busy in that little space and the lack of privacy can be a little weird when you’re trying to do yoga.  I do my best to avoid going there at “peak” times because I’m a quiet type of soul that likes to be left alone when I’m at the gym to the point that I’m probably a little grumpy when people get too close to me.  That’s my quiet time, not my socializing time.

But a couple of weeks ago, the way my work schedule was, I ended up having to go to the gym late in the afternoon.  How bad could it be?  Mind you I hadn’t actually gone to the gym at that time before so boy, that was a shock.  The place was full of teenagers.  It was the after school time when all the kids flock there for a little recreation and fun and games and hanging out with each other.  I like teenagers, really I do.  I just don’t particularly like them at the gym the same time I am because it’s not really conducive to a quiet or peaceful workout.

Regardless, I take my little yoga mat and roll it out in front of one of the mirrors at the far end of the studio and proceed to do my yoga.  It doesn’t take long for most of the teenagers to quietly slink off.  You know, now that an adult had infiltrated their hang out space, it wasn’t as much fun.  There were three teenage girls left behind that each had a mat and were going through some various exercises.

I settle into some yoga and not five minutes in I hear / see out of the corner of my eye someone RIGHT behind me, looking over my shoulder to do whatever exercises they are doing.  I am so irritated and I’m thinking, what the hell????  The rest of the studio is wide open except for these three teenage girls, why on earth is someone right behind me like that.

I manage to look up and staring anxiously at me is a young teenage girl.  She looked like she was about 12 or maybe 13 but I’m guessing that she might have been a little bit older and just hadn’t caught up physically yet.  At the same time, I happen to notice the three teenage girls beside us and they are tall, thin and gorgeous in the way only teenage girls seem to be.  They’re also rolling their eyes at this young girl behind me – who happens to be a little overweight and maybe a little awkward still.

It dawns on me at that point that this young girl set herself up right behind me as protection against the other teenagers, figuring no one would actually say anything to her if she was that close to me or give her a hard time.  (see, Zena Warrior Princess!)

I smiled at her and she immediately relaxed, smiled a huge smile and proceeded to go through a series of exercises, despite the eye rolls and “looks” she was getting from the other girls.  In that short span of time, her and I became a “team”, co-conspirators against the beauty queens.

She stayed there the entire time I was there and worked out the entire time.  I also noticed that she would try whatever exercises the other girls were doing (probably drove them crazy) as well as various other things she had learned on her own.  She had a great time.  I had to give her a lot of credit for going, for working out and for figuring out a way to keep herself safe from any ridicule or harassment from the girls nearby.  I have to say, I wasn’t so irritated anymore and was kind of glad I could help.

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Follow the leader

March 7, 2013

Buddy-child and I don’t talk about her boyfriend’s family too much.  I have to bite my tongue a lot when we do so sometimes it’s better to just not go there.  They are absolutely nice people and they’re good people too.  Nothing evil or dark or anything at all.  It’s just some of their parenting practices that I suspect are related to their religious viewpoint that make me a little edgy.

The other night I picked up buddy from her boyfriend’s house.  They go to a church gathering on Sunday nights as part of some couples thing (this is on top of regular church services during the daytime).  Since I’m doing all the driving and it’s an hour there and back, I pretty much meet them five minutes after they get back from church to pick up the kid and head back home again.  Tonight they were late.  This is one of the reasons why I don’t get into conversations about them too much.  They knew I was coming and that I was on my way but they decided to do a few things and visit a few people and then one of the kids had a meltdown and so on.  I would have appreciated the “head’s up” so that I’m not sitting in my car in the dark and cold and snow on the side of the road wondering why no one is home yet.

So, probably because I was a little irritated, we “go there”.  Turns out the child melt-down was the 15 year old who wanted to see her boyfriend that she’s pretending not to see (they’re just “friends”) because they’ve been banned from dating because he treats her really badly but she’s secretly dating him behind her parent’s back.  This is not the first child in that family to have a mean or potentially abusive boyfriend.

Now don’t get me wrong, these kids are awesome freakin’ kids.  The parents have done many, many things right and it shows.  Good people, nice, good-hearted, considerate children.

Whose girls happen to keep picking borderline (and not so borderline) abusive boyfriends.

So I asked buddy-child why she thought the girls seemed to keep picking these types of boys.  I wanted to hear her view points on this and figured it was a good chance to talk about parenting stuff.  She wasn’t sure and we debated a couple of theories (dad works on a job where he’s gone all the time so boyfriend thinks it’s their way of dealing with their dad being gone).  I don’t think that’s it and we debated how having only a male or female parent (or two males or two females) doesn’t cause that type of relationship pattern later on in life (lots of research to support this).

One of the things I’ve found over the years is that families that have very strong religious and / or cultural viewpoints can sometimes spend a lot of time focusing on ensuring that the kids develop the same values.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.  We all want our kids to have “good” values and morals when they grow up.  Due to the restrictive nature of some perspectives, this can sometimes translate into the parents teaching the kids to be obedient and not necessarily teaching them to think for themselves when it comes to other people.  I get the fear that a lot of families have that the kids will stray from the particular path that the family has carefully cultivated for them.  But, what is the point of doing all that for them if they can’t tell the abusive people from the non-abusive people in their lives?  These are your children’s lives – what’s more important?

One of the “points” of dating when you’re a teenager is to start to learn what type of person you want to be around and / or want to be with as an adult in a long-term relationship as well as what you like and don’t like about boys and / or girls and how to manage that.  It’s scary for parents because they worry that their kids won’t make good choices, and they likely won’t at some point but that is also how they learn.  When they learn about these relationships as teenagers, they should have parents there to assist them in the process and help them and guide them through when things don’t work out.  They also get to see that the world doesn’t actually end when the relationship is over and that they will survive.  These are all things that people learn best during the teen years and do a really crappy job learning it as adults yet they are the very things that many families try to protect their kids from experiencing.

 

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Here comes the bride

March 4, 2013 4 Comments

Hypothetically speaking of course.  And no, it isn’t me.  Been there – done that and I’m not too inclined to ever try something like that again…

Buddy child got her second university acceptance the other day.  This was from the university that had the toughest admission criteria so I’m guessing that the other two will soon follow.  This led to a conversation about how many years she’ll be in school and the people that congratulated her and this led to a conversation about her mom and her mom’s boyfriend.  Mom was abusive and adopted family was abusive, just both in very different ways.  We don’t talk about this a whole lot but buddy seemed to be in a rare chatty mood (well, chatty for her) so we kind of looked at the abuse compared the two situations.

Coincidentally, I made a joke about how her wedding was going to be interesting and she immediately responded with how her mom’s boyfriend was not walking her down the aisle – nor is her mom.  In fact, if anyone walks her down the aisle, apparently it’s going to be me.

Buddy explained why.  In her view, her mom never raised her.  She was living with her for a few years but at no point did her mom actively take care of her or raise her.  After a time in foster care, she moved to her adopted family and she says they didn’t raise her either – they just “housed” her.  As far as she’s concerned, I raised her.

What she’s trying to say is that parenting is not a passive process.  You can’t just sit back and hope for the best.  You have to engage and ask questions and give feedback and listen and negotiate and drive countless miles to friend’s and boyfriend’s houses and let them sign up for extra-curricular activities and have friends stay over on the weekends and pick them up from sleepovers at other people’s houses among a million other seemingly inconsequential things.  Her mom wasn’t capable of doing  that for a variety of reasons.  She had children but was not equipped to actively raise them at that point in her life.

Her adopted family went through the motions and did do some good things but they weren’t invested in her anymore than they were invested in the neighbour’s kid.  They lacked an appropriate emotional connection and presented themselves as good, decent parents because how they looked on the surface was more important than how things really were.

Parenting is kind of like a contact sport.  You’ve got to get in there and get involved and be part of the game and be willing to get a little muddy if you have to.  You have to invest in the time and effort and actively participate in your teenager’s life.  They need it and benefit from it and notice.

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