Coping 101

February 7, 2013 2 Comments

Even though I’ve been away for a bit over a week, there seems to be lots to come back to.  A few drama life changes for step-daughter, some typical parental struggle with a friend and a very worried buddy-child whose friend is not doing well.

I’m still trying to acclimatize (I’ve been in the Bahamas on a kayaking expedition trip and now I’m back in the land of the ice and snow… ), and I’m still trying to shift my brain from vacation mode to “work” mode but I don’t seem to be doing a very good job at the moment!

Recently I wrote a post about a former friend of buddy-child’s who has dropped out of college.  She really wasn’t ready to go away to school but her mom is not a good person for her to be with and she was ultimately kicked out of her mom’s house just prior to graduation from high school.  Personally, I think her mom was trying to sabotage her daughter’s ability to graduate and be successful and she almost did.  This girl probably didn’t really pass all her courses because I don’t think she was getting the work completed but with a lot of extra help, she magically seemed to graduate anyways.  I’m also guessing that the school officials knew this girl needed to get out of that house so bad that maybe going away would help her.

She wasn’t able to get it together.  That happens sometimes.  Some kids just aren’t ready – especially kids who run in the hopes that all the crappy things will magically be better once they leave and the issues will be gone.  The issues aren’t necessarily gone, they’re just different and now they have an added layer of stress and pressure of needing to pass post-secondary or fear being seen (and feeling like) a failure.  That’s a lot of pressure to put on someone who is struggling before they even walk in the door.

This particular girl dropped out and came back.  Recently she sent a message to buddy-child apologizing for her behaviour leading up to and while she was gone and took responsibility for being immature.  It was a surprise move on this girl’s part but I’m proud of her.  She seems to be learning some valuable lessons now that she’s back.  I hope she finds employment in another city where she can get away from the abusive people in her family and start to save up to try school again when she is ready to face the challenge.  For some people, they don’t and won’t face a single thing they should until they have no where else to run to and I think that some of what this girl is like.

Another good friend of buddy-child’s has gone a different route.  She has also gone away to school and is trying very hard to prove herself.  Her background and her life is not the best necessarily and she left determined to make it.  Last night, in the middle of the night, a strange unknown fellow messaged buddy-child to say that her friend had a plan to kill herself this Friday when she returned home and could buddy please help them.  No one knew her address or knew what to do about it.  Weird, cryptic messages were ‘tweeted’ from this friend today that might not have made much sense if you didn’t know what her plan was.  Buddy-child already had a friend commit suicide two years ago and it was a very difficult time for her.  She did the right thing.  She went to talk to someone who then took her to the police station to give a statement so that they could contact the police service in the city the friend was in.  Last I heard, they had found the friend and she was speaking to a counselor.  No one knows what happened at this point but I’m hopeful the counselor was able to talk this friend into either going to the hospital or agreeing to some ongoing help and support until things get better.

Kids look like adults and they present as adults but they’re really not.  Many kids don’t make it that first year of college or university because their drive to go off and be independent and prove themselves is strong at the start but if there isn’t the coping mechanisms and a solid support system in place, it’s not always enough to carry them through.  It’s easy to underestimate the pressure these kids put themselves under and the burden of being a failure if it doesn’t work.  There are so many things kids should learn while they’re still kids and if they don’t get the chance, things don’t always work out the way they should later on in life.

 

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Give me a Z

October 22, 2012 4 Comments

Tonight was University open house, recruitment drive night.  They come around once a year and each of the local high schools take turns hosting.  All the graduating high school students are welcome to attend and you basically walk from table to table asking questions and getting brochures and booklets and free pens.

Buddy-child had a friend with her for moral support and hit up the school she was convinced she wanted to go to first.  The recruiter didn’t really have much information to tell her but gave her a brochure and told her to email with more specific questions.  I met the girls there just as she was finishing up with the first table.

Number one on buddy’s priority list is small school since she doesn’t think her anxiety can handle a large university.  Second is somewhere far enough from home to make it too hard to run home every weekend.  With that in mind I dragged her off to three other university tables that had good reputations amongst the parental set for being small, well-run universities.  Poor thing is more confused than before but at least now she has lots of options.

This process is really nerve wracking for kids.  Even if they think they’re ready to leave home, it’s still scary trying to make plans to move far away by yourself and change everything about your life.  I don’t know too many adults that can do that without having a meltdown.  Imagine how hard it is when you have no idea what you’re doing!  I have no doubt that buddy will do well in the end since she is working hard to get there to start.

I don’t normally post photos of anyone in my life (kids, me, dogs whatever) but since we are on the topic of studious children, this photo was emailed to me so that I could get a good look at my brilliant, soon to be doctor boy-child hard at work.

boy-child at his finest

Seriously, how his he even breathing sleeping like that?  Thank god he’s a smart one.

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Trouble in paradise

October 18, 2012 2 Comments

Buddy has had a new boyfriend for a little while now.  I really like this kid.  He’s the same age, they have a ton of the same interests, he’s just an all-around nice kid.  There is nothing evil or dark or manipulative or controlling or anything about him.  It’s probably the first “normal” relationship she’s likely ever had.

Everything’s good.  They’ve had a couple of contrasting religious belief issues already but they managed to work out an “agree to disagree” approach to it and to respect each others opinions.

Sounds good right?

Buddy has started the process of applying for University.  As more time goes by and as she continues to do well, she’s become very focused on trying to get into a University and pursue her career choice.  She has many, many years of schooling ahead of her as she is planning on getting her doctorate and she almost got scared and bailed but that was only because she was afraid that she couldn’t do it.

Boyfriend needs to attend a very specialized program for his career choice.  That would actually have him living very close to home.  Initially buddy-child was also planning on staying very close to home because the thought of moving far away really freaked her out.  That and the thought of attending a big University in a big city was more than her anxiety could bear.

Until she started noticing some of the kids who left for college and University in the city next door.  They come home every weekend.  They haven’t tried to be anywhere new or expand their horizons so to speak.  She says it’s like they never left.

Now that she has seen this, she’s decided that she doesn’t want this to happen to her.  She also didn’t want to get “old” (you know, an adult) and realize that she never went anywhere different when she had the chance to.  She did the research and she found a small community college that offers the program she wants.  It’s about 5 hours away.  She just applied this week.

Boyfriend is stressed!  He can’t believe that she is going to be moving away from him and he’ll only get to see her on holidays!

I’m proud of buddy for pushing herself outside of her comfort zone.  She gets anxious easily and this whole experience is not an easy one for her but she realizes she should do this for her own good and she’s making herself do it.  But, it has caused some fights already.  So far, she’s sticking to her guns though and isn’t prepared to jeopardize her future for a boyfriend that may or may not be part of it.  That’s an excellent way to start on the path of independence!

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